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Sex and Relationships

Updated on: Saturday, December 11, 2021, 09:54 AM IST

Candid Corner: What to do when crush takes advantage

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Q: I’m attracted to an older colleague of mine at work. While she is attractive, she is very lazy and in order to get her favour, I offer to complete her work as well. Now I find that she has started dumping all her work on me and I am unable to refuse. It’s taking a toll on my health and I feel helpless.

Ans: Ans: You cannot stay away from being used by someone you are attracted to. If this is affecting your health, you might want to reconsider the setting you enjoy being used in: Professional, emotional or erotic life. Being used in real life is much more harmful than being used in contained erotic spaces. When you address this need of yours within an agreed set time, space and person, e.g., on Friday evenings with someone, once a month in a hotel, etc. you don’t spill over your need into the entire work week, or life. You have some emotional need around being useful, used, pleasing, or even helpless, and you are expressing it at work.

People at work, or even at home, might take advantage of this need because who wouldn’t! You are making yourself available without complaining or saying no. You could set boundaries with this woman and tell her that you will help her on certain days or times. Initially, it will be difficult because you have spoiled her and because you have become a slave to your own turn on. When your need is connected to your turn on, you will have to express it in your erotic life for it to be completely fulfilled. Whether it is with her or someone else, try playing out your desire to be used in an erotic zone separate from your regular life, where you negotiate the boundaries from start. Take up service of sexual nature, or domestic service, with someone who is not part of your daily activities. In this type of agreement, the person you will be used by, will know where the scene starts and ends. Experiencing this will free you from your need and help you set boundaries in real life too.

The writer is an Intimacy and Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual well-being (www.theintimacycurator.com). (Have a query? Send it on fpjcandidcorner@gmail.com)

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Published on: Saturday, December 11, 2021, 09:55 AM IST
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