Candid Corner: The sexually submissive man

Q: I am a submissive male but have not been able to tell my girlfriend about my kinks. How can I approach this topic with her without her freaking out?

Ans: Congratulations for having discovered this beautiful and powerful side of you. Men have been socialised to be strong and dominant so it is really difficult to acknowledge that they enjoy being submissive. It takes a lot of courage for a man to accept they are submissive and a fair amount of self-awareness to recognise that they enjoy it.

You have both. All you need now is a communication strategy. Start by understanding what submission means to you and communicate it through the language of emotions. Women in particular have been socialised to respond well to it, but even men will easily attune if we express vulnerably what we feel.

Explain your girlfriend what being submissive means to you. Maybe when you are submissive you want to feel that you have been taken care of, or accepted. She should be fairly receptive to that. Perhaps you were brought up in a religious environment and being submissive is your way of navigating the taboo of acting upon your desires: “I am not doing anything so it’s not my fault”. You can tell her that submission is for you a mode of wilfully engaging in sex without feeling responsible and guilty.

This could resonate with her too, because often women play that submissive role in the mainstream romantic narrative. She will surely relate to one of your feelings because we have all experienced wanting to be cared for, or being accepted, at some point in our lives.

Once she is on your side, you can start communicating words, gestures, type of touches, scenes that turn you on. This will be a negotiation stage between what you want and what she feels comfortable playing with. Remember consent and boundaries apply to both submissive and dominant.

The writer is an Intimacy & Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual wellbeing (www.theintimacycurator.com). (Have a query? Send it on fpjcandidcorner@gmail.com)

(To receive our E-paper on whatsapp daily, please click here. We permit sharing of the paper's PDF on WhatsApp and other social media platforms.)

Free Press Journal

www.freepressjournal.in