Q: I am obsessed with my next-door neighbour. She is single and keeps on having people over. I keep on listening behind my door each time she has someone visiting, hoping to hear something exciting. I want to approach her but I am also scared that if something happens between us it will be very strange to live in such vicinity. I am thinking of moving somewhere else but watching her is too exciting.
Ans: Fantasising from a distance is often more exciting than acting upon your desires in real life. Maybe your neighbour’s life is not as adventurous as your racing mind. She could just be a very friendly person who enjoys having people over. How would you feel about that? Maybe she is meeting so many people because she is looking for ‘the one’.
How scary would that be to you? You are afraid and rightly so. Her reality could turn out to be more disappointing than your imagination, so your safest bet is to keep on fantasising and not ringing that bell. This will keep your excitement going, risk free.
It is not surprising that affairs with neighbours are a very common turn-on for people. They offer the right amount of risk and distance, a little more than affairs with stepfamily members which are high risk and no distance. Again, a very common fantasy for many.
Having someone attractive next door is not only convenient and familiar but also taboo enough to make it very exciting. Imagine a quicky before and after work, where you are purely focused on your physical pleasure. How many times have you allowed yourself to just focus on the raw act? No emotions, no relationship to attend to. No stressing about: “What is this person going to think?” or “How will they feel?”.
Perhaps it’s just about finding a person who feels the same way in that moment, but then you would not be turned on by emotionless sex in the first place. Allowing yourself to get turned on by this taboo is perfectly fine. Enjoy your vivid imagination!
The writer is an Intimacy & Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual well-being (www.theintimacycurator.com). (Have a query? Send it on firstname.lastname@example.org)