Q. My wife is cheating on me with her colleague, and while this came as a shock when I found out, I now don’t care anymore. She is good with the kids, and I don’t want to confront her and disrupt our lives. I do feel sad at times and crave for emotional intimacy. Should I also look for someone else?
Ans: If emotional intimacy is what you need, go and get it. We all need it to survive. It is important to have someone in our lives with whom we can share our thoughts and emotions. Does this person have to be your marital partner? Absolutely not. Would this be considered cheating? Maybe, by some. In an ethical world, you would want to talk to your wife about how you are feeling and express your need for intimacy.
You could also tell her that you are going to outsource this need. Things are not working out between you two and you probably both need a break. She is cheating on you because she is too afraid or ashamed to let you know that her needs and desires are not being met.
Why not lead by example? Tell her what your needs are. Don’t do it by accusing or blaming her. This would only make you grow further apart. Yes, she has not been open and honest with you, but that should not stop you from being candid with her. A confrontation would involve shaming and blaming, while this conversation is just about stating your feelings, needs and boundaries.
You can reach out to her with empathy and acknowledge the disconnection without telling her it is all her fault. Understand that she must have felt the way you do now before the affair. She would have been able to speak to you about it in an ideal world before the affair, but unfortunately, she didn’t. Maybe this is your opportunity to clear the path.
The writer is an Intimacy and Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual well-being (www.theintimacycurator.com). (Have a query? Send it on email@example.com)
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