Q: My younger sister is dating my ex. I recently found out about this and was livid with her. When I asked her, she said she was aware that he was my ex and that things are different between them. I know for a fact that he is foolish and he is just trying to get back at me for dumping him. How do I make my sister see the light?
Ans: A foolish leaves many stories behind. Have a sister bonding session and narrate all those stories to her. Her feelings for him have taken over, but knowing how he has behaved with you in the past might help her to take a more informed decision.
If she still concludes to date him, be a true loving sister and be there for her for when things will get rough. We can influence people’s life choices by informing them of something they don’t know, by accepting them for who they are and by example.
You have already shown the way by dumping him. You are also willing to tell her about his stupid behaviour to ensure she is cognizant of patterns. Acceptance of the situation will complete your well-wisher duties. Often, we need to experience life to be able to understand ourselves better. Maybe it is time for her to get her hands dirty with reality.
It becomes a matter of identity and pride when we want to discover things on our own. Let her find out what kind of person she is in these situations and support her.
If she just blindly followed your advice, she would miss out on the pleasure of asserting her preferences and desires. She would miss out on the pleasure of agency. When we remove agency from people, we deprive them of pleasure. Besides having some feelings for your ex, your sister is exercising agency. There is nothing more authentic that can bring you two closer than respecting her agency.
The writer is an Intimacy & Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual wellbeing (www.theintimacycurator.com). (Have a query? Send it on email@example.com
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