Candid Corner: Non-monogamy and the muddle

Q: I met a girl a few months back who I really like. We have similar interests and values and we are very attracted to each other. When we first met, she told me she practices non-monogamy. At first, I seemed to be ok with this but now that we are getting closer to one another, this is starting to bother me. I now can’t bear to think of her with somebody else and feel like either calling it off of telling her to stop. Please help.

Ans: Jealousy is a perfectly normal feeling that all of us have experienced at some point in our lives. We usually go through it when we have made ourselves emotionally open and vulnerable to others. If that person is so important to us and we are so important to them how can/should they make someone else feel as important.

Jealousy equals to powerlessness, to loss of control. It makes us angry, makes us cry and feel sorry for ourselves. We start distancing from our partner. A classic fight-flight-freeze response to a threat. People who practice consensual non monogamy seriously, have studied jealousy well. Jealousy is an expression of fear of losing someone, of not being loved, of abandonment, of being rejected.

It actually originates in our insecurities, our own feelings of inadequacy and not being good enough. If your girl has expressed her feelings for you as well as her orientation towards consensual non monogamy, she will most likely not abandon, nor reject you. She will love you and she will love her other partners too because love doesn’t live in scarcity. Love is not a limited resource, it’s abundance.

Knowing this might not stop you feeling jealous. Accept the feeling just like any other but don’t act upon it for now. Let it flow and look at what is causing it. Most likely you will have to deal with your insecurities first and see what triggers them. Talk about them to your girl, it will make both of you develop trust towards each other. She seems to be honest and honesty is a great value to have when building trust in a relationship.

The writer is an Intimacy & Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual wellbeing (www.theintimacycurator.com).

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