Q. I have been dating this girl for three years now. While we are pretty good together, the one thing she won’t do is sleep with me. We share a bed; we shower together but for some reason, she just won’t have sex with me. I have asked her like a million times, and each time her answer is that I should respect her decision. How do I make her understand?
Ans: A good starting point would be asking ‘this girl’ why she doesn’t want to have sex with you, more than making her understand that you do. I think we have all understood that you do. Maybe you are not arousing her enough, or the right way.
Most women need to be able to trust a person before getting really intimate with them. That trust can be gained over time but also with few right sentences and actions. We are all different. You just got to find out what will make her trust you, and open up.
It would also be useful to understand if she is planning to keep it this way. Maybe she is waiting for the right time, or the right person. Maybe she has decided you are not the right guy to have sex with. How would you feel about that? Are you going to be ok in a sexless relationship? Maybe three years of sharing bed and shower have made your connection really strong and you will be able to compromise on the sex part. Will you?
If sex is so important to you and you don’t mind having it with people outside of this relationship, you could even speak to this girl about outsourcing this need to someone else. If she is happy with things being the way they are, she might be okay with you being physical with someone else. She also might want to explore someone else. You have lots of action plans now besides making her understand.
(The writer is an Intimacy & Relationship Coach and an Independent People and Culture Specialist focusing on relationships, sexuality, youth and social media in South Asia. Have a query? Send it on email@example.com)