Sex and Relationships

Updated on: Sunday, December 19, 2021, 10:58 AM IST

Candid Corner: Matter of fantasies


Q: My wife enjoys very rough scenes involving verbal and physical abuse while I am into more vanilla physical intimacy. She has been sexually abused as a child and has tried many therapeutical methods to heal, but this type of violence is the only thing that gives her release. I feel uncomfortable and exhausted by all of it. What should I do?

Ans: Open up the relationship to save your marriage. Open relationships are not for everyone but your situation is ripe. You will have to establish with your wife the rules of engagement first. You both can decide if you want a purely sexual non-monogamous agreement or, whether you will be open to deeper emotional involvement with other partners.

Opening up your relationship will help you address mismatched desires and set you free from things you are not comfortable doing. Violence is not for you but there is nothing wrong with your wife experimenting with it, especially if it is the only way to give her release from her trauma.

If you are already exhausted by the experience you will feel even more so if you let years pass by. You will resent your wife, no matter how much you love her and how much you are willing to sacrifice. Resentment is the number one killer in relationships so if you want to maintain what you have with your wife, open it up.

Resentment will shut down the love you have for her, it will make you less connected to her and it will end. You know it is unfair to expect you to hurt her when it makes you feel uncomfortable but it is also unfair to suppress her needs. An open relationship is a great opportunity to save your marriage and have both your needs met.

Opening up will require more communication and commitment. It will bring you closer, if done the right way and with the right kind of support. It’s not going to be easy but it will make you both enter a new level of commitment.

The writer is an Intimacy and Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual well-being ( (Have a query? Send it on

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Published on: Sunday, December 19, 2021, 10:58 AM IST