Q: I have been married for eight years and have two kids. I am very close to my husband, but I am sexually attracted to women. I have expressed this to my husband, and he seems to be very understanding. I have had a few relationships with women now and I sareally enjoy them. The problem starts when I get home to my family and I feel ashamed about living this double life, especially when I look at my children. Should I stop all this?
Ans: We were all brought up to feel ashamed of ourselves for some reason or the other. Shamed around our desires, our bodies, our life choices, our sexual preferences. Shame has been used as a tool to socialise us into a system. But fortunately, systems systematically break down when they don’t resonate anymore.
Your shame is also part of an old system that is crumbling. You are not living a double life but a wholesome one. You are attracted to women, many people from different sexual orientations are. You are married but seeing other people, statistics say that almost half of married couples are in relationships with a third person.
What is there to be ashamed of? How are you different from other people out there? Let’s look at some of the things you should be proud of. You have honestly expressed your sexual preferences to your husband. That is something to feel really great about. How many people have the courage to do that? Most end up hiding behind shame and lying to their partners.
You are managing a family, taking care of your husband and also having an exciting sex life. Very few people are able to do that. Many readers must be envious of your lifestyle right now. It’s a gift to able to validate and express your desires freely and to love yourself and a set of partners equally without disrupting any of the relationships. You have a go ahead from all of us to celebrate your radical honesty and your emotional and sexual competencies.
The writer is an Intimacy & Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual wellbeing (www.theintimacycurator.com). (Have a query? Send it on firstname.lastname@example.org)