Q: My boyfriend confessed to me that he gets turned on by dressing up as a woman and by being humiliated. I am an open-minded person, but this type of fantasy really shocked me. I am even thinking that might be into men. Don’t really know how to handle this?
Ans: It is a difficult and painful position. The problem is not whether your boyfriend is into men, or that he dresses up as a woman, these are perfectly normal choices and preferences. The problem for you lies in the acceptance that you are different from him. To deal with the shock, start processing the feelings you might be having: betrayal, fear, shame, insecurity, anger, disgust. It might take time, but letting the feelings just sink in without reacting to them will make them more manageable.
Your boyfriend might become impatient for your approval or acceptance, but let him wait until you become more familiar with your responses. You are probably already thinking that you are expected to join in his fantasies and that is making you even more nervous. You might also be thinking of breaking up.
Take a deep breath and channel your thoughts into what you value the most in this relationship and in him. This will help you hang in there long enough to make an informed decision. Remind yourself that your partner chose to love you, to trust you and to share his most intimate parts with. Your partner has not changed. What has changed is his vision of ideal sexual future. Start understanding the world of sexual variance better.
Once you will get past the stereotypes, you will realise that what your partner wants to experience is ethical, safe and maybe even exciting. If you still feel this is not up your alley, consider telling him to outsource his kinky needs. It should be easier for you as none of his kinks involves having intercourse.
The writer is an Intimacy & Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual wellbeing (www.theintimacycurator.com). (Have a query? Send it on email@example.com)
(To receive our E-paper on whatsapp daily, please click here. We permit sharing of the paper's PDF on WhatsApp and other social media platforms.)