Q: I am 29 and a divorcee. My first marriage was arranged by my parents and lasted only two years because he cheated. It has been one year now, but my family is insisting I get married again. They introduced me to a really nice guy who is about 7-years-older than me. We are from the same caste, similar backgrounds, etc. I really like him, but he wants to take it slow. He wants us to date for a year before committing and my family and I find this too long. How to convince him to agree?
Ans: Convincing him to agree to get married faster would be the biggest mistake you could ever make. This guy seems very sensible. Don’t lose him by rushing him into commitment. Why are you in a hurry? I can give you a perspective in numbers, seen that they seem to matter to you a lot.
You are not even thirty and have at least twenty years to have children, if that is your main concern. Although a little unfair, men can have kids even at ninety. His sperm count is therefore the least of your problems. One year of getting to know each other is nothing in comparison to the two years that culminated in deceit. One year is also nothing when compared to a lifetime with someone.
I understand you come from a traditional background and there is family pressure you need to deal with, but this is your life. The bed you will be sleeping in after marriage is for two people, you and your husband, and not for your entire family.
Are you afraid that he will change his mind in one year? That sounds like your insecurities speaking. What about you is going to make him run away? As you have experienced already in your previous marriage, nothing stops anyone from running away, not your flaws nor a signature on a legal piece of paper.
Speak and listen to your insecurities and fears first. Maybe you will later realise that a one year of introspection was worth much more than a year of marriage.
The writer is an Intimacy & Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual wellbeing (www.theintimacycurator.com).
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