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Sex and Relationships

Updated on: Saturday, November 13, 2021, 02:46 AM IST

Candid Corner: An unwanted fantasy

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I have rape fantasies and feel terrible about them. I lead a team of men at work and I am perceived to be a very strong woman. How can I have such fantasies? I have been trying to suppress them but they keep on coming up when I am with my partner. I know it’s very wrong and I feel so ashamed about them. Please help.

Ans: Around 60% of women have rape fantasies. The idea of rape allows us to imagine a sexual experience where we have no choice. It is a fantasy resolving a conflict: That of wanting sex but without initiating or actively participating. It is a fantasy that allows you to feel sexual without feeling responsible for wanting sex.

Ask yourself why you don’t want to be responsible for wanting sex. Have you been socialised to believe that physical needs and arousal are bad or shameful? Most of us women have. We get shamed for having desires of sexual nature from an early age. We learn that desires of sexual nature are not supposed to be had, and that’s why in our fantasies we surrender that shameful agency to someone else.

Men have similar experiences when they have submission fantasies. They also feel that it is shameful for a man to be submissive in bed. Turns out that many of them also lead large teams, have many responsibilities, and are perceived to be strong, just like you.

When you fantasise about rape, you probably experience a complete lack of control and powerlessness. This is the opposite of your experience at work, where you hold a lot of power. Your fantasies are your escape from responsibilities, they are your relief from work pressure. Your fantasies are also your fight against the shame of being sexual.

You fantasising about rape does not mean you would like the actual thing to happen. Let all your fantasies flow freely, they are just your body and mind settling the score.

The writer is an Intimacy and Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual well-being (www.theintimacycurator.com). (Have a query? Send it on fpjcandidcorner@gmail.com)

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Published on: Saturday, November 13, 2021, 07:00 AM IST
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