Q: I went out on a first date and it went pretty well. She came over and left after breakfast. I think we had a great time and were expecting things to go further. But she sent me a text saying I wasn’t big enough for her. Is that really a reason to call off something like this?
Ans: People look for different things when dating. Did you ask each other the boring but essential question: “What are you looking for?” In this case she was probably looking for a casual sexual encounter and was not interested in taking things further because she didn’t feel sexually satisfied. Our body parts, sexual attitudes and preferences matter a lot when people meet purely to get physical but, was your size the reason for her dissatisfaction? Absolutely not. The reason for her dissatisfaction is that you are both just pleasure ignorant. Pleasure is not just achieved with the act of penetration.
Even for people who orgasm only by penetration (a very handful bunch), pleasure is achieved through stimulation of multiple body parts, including the brain. Orgasm plays a huge role in experiencing pleasure but again it is not the only stick yard to measure pleasure and sexual gratification. Why are you both so pleasantly ignorant? We all are.
We are exposed to certain narratives and tend to believe them until we have enough real life experience to understand that they don’t fit all. We have been hearing both genders body shaming each other based on aesthetic narratives driven by mainstream media. With respect to genitals, the narratives we carry are based on porn.
Porn is a great place for inspiration, like any health or fashion magazine, but it is also a place where we build unrealistic expectations on how things should look, feel and sound in real sexual encounters. Realistically speaking, size matters for those who want to only focus on orgasm and don’t want to go beyond a penetrative experience. Do you want to take things further with someone with those preferences?
The writer is an Intimacy & Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual wellbeing (www.theintimacycurator.com). (Have a query? Send it on email@example.com)