Q: I am 35-years-old and have not been intimate with a woman yet. I mostly haven’t had time because I had to run my family business since an early age but now, I feel too shy to engage with women. I want to get married because I really want to cross this bridge and feel like everybody else. Everyone around me is talking about it and I am frustrated that I still have not managed to experience it. I am also worried that I will not be able to perform with my future wife because I am inexperienced. Please help.
Ans: Sex has not made it to your life priority list yet and that’s perfectly ok. For many people sex is not a priority throughout their lives, and don’t even experience sexual attraction overall. Others choose to abstain from sexual activities because of organised belief systems or for medical reasons. You mentioned earlier life priorities and shyness but do you get sexually aroused? If you don’t, you could be of asexual sexual orientation and that is perfectly fine.
Asexual people experience other forms of attraction, e.g., romantic, sensual or aesthetic but do not feel to act sexually upon them. Some might feel arousal but not desire to find a sexual partner. Some may occasionally masturbate, but feel no desire to have sex with someone.
Ask yourself if you want to get married and have sex only because others do or because you don’t know how to approach a sexual partner. FOMO is a very common driver for human beings but getting into a marriage because of it could lead to a disconnect with your authentic self as well as with your partner.
If you think shyness is stopping you, take it really slow and start with familiarising yourself with women first. Begin with talking to women you are not attracted to. Just increase the number of women you interact with and the number of times you do. To break the spell, start with your maid, a shopkeeper, friends of friends. Just get used to interacting with women.
Slowly move towards women you find attractive and start by having simple general conversations to get to know them better. Take your time to understand how you feel and what is it that you are looking for. Maybe you just crave for connection and romance and sex is not for you. An assessment of how you feel based on the Split Attraction Model (SAM) will help you identify where your sexual and romantic orientation and identity falls.
(The writer is an Intimacy & Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual wellbeing (www.theintimacycurator.com). Have a query? Send it on firstname.lastname@example.org)
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