Respecting the Wokephalian System: How to remain woke and politically correct amid a pandemic

I, Ze Royal Majesty, write with a heavy heart, completely aware that my ableism allows me to write as I choose.

Even as the world battles a pandemic, whose origins are as unknown as those of Gobi Manchurian and Schezwan Bhel, there’s another grave threat that has risen.

Even as nations race to control the spread of a virus, people across the globe are eschewing the political correctness put in place by the Wokephalian System, and simply saying what’s on their minds.

The world can survive a pandemic, the economy can come back to life, but what is the use of living in that world when people just say things without considering the true consequences of their actions and how their words will be twisted around by racists?

For non-intersectional feminists and other species of ignorant bigoted racists, the Wokephalian System was put in place in 2015 by the High Council of Woke Secular Allies Battling the CIS-HETERO-PATRIARCHY.

PS – Please note that no phalluses were hurt while putting the system in place.

It clearly states that not only should one never state what’s on one one’s mind, but one should refrain from any thought or speech that might indirectly be used by racists to attack the downtrodden and the oppressed.

Sadly, the carefully put together system has been floundering since the coronavirus (origin: unknown) outbreak. So, we thought it would best to reiterate the rules placed therein to ensure that the pandemic doesn’t turn us into animals or worse dopey voters!

For starters, we must remember that no religion is to be targeted – whether in India or abroad – when considering victims. In case one has to report a cluster (religion: unknown) one should avoid naming any member or place and instead use euphemisms to ensure that they are not spreading prejudice.

For example, follow the Tamil Nadu model and use the brilliantly coined ‘Single Source’.

What is Single Source?

No one quite knows, but it sounds a lot like where all the machines originated, and the place Neo went to in The Matrix Revolution to battle Agent Smith.

Similarly, if a patient spits on a doctor, please don’t write that on your social media handles. Instead just mention that the patient is delivering his samples in projectile form.

And, a ‘Single Source’ member who hasn’t mentioned ze’s travel history isn’t putting the public at risk, ze is only expressing ze’s right to ze’s privacy, because as per the American Constitution, ze’s simply Pleading the Fifth.

If a ‘Single Source’ member attacks a member of the medical fraternity ze’s simply exhibiting the deep mistrust ze has developed after being continually alienated by a fascist regime. It’s also racist to continually wonder why ‘Single Source’ has a strike-rate that will put Rohit Sharma to shame.

In fact, anyone doing so should be quickly countered with examples of other events where there were mass gatherings but no cluster outbreaks.

After all, cluster outbreaks are a function of societal oppression caused by years of hardships coupled with lack of education and complete vilification. Anyone who presents facts to the contrary should immediately vilified and called Goebbels.

Facts are after all the devil’s tool, used for years by the Dark Lords to justify their craven desires just like profit-and-loss sheets.

While we are at it, one should remember that tweeting and questioning the government’s motives is a far greater effort to battle the virus than donating or helping the needy. Acts of kindness are ephemeral, tweets live forever!

And most importantly, let it be absolutely clear that naming a virus after it’s place of origin is deeply racist and cannot be abided by.

Sure, we’ve had diseases named after places of origin like Hantavirus, Lyme’s Disease, MERS, Spanish Flu, Zika and Ebola but all those were before the Wokephalian system kicked in.

Please follow WHO guidelines and refrain from racism. Pandemics come and go, the battle against cis-heteropatriarchal oppression is eternal.

Nirmalya Dutta is The Web Editor of The Free Press Journal.

Disclaimer: The views expressed are personal.

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