Who among us has not had their movie-going experience rudely jolted by thoughtless, witless, careless or just plain manner-less viewers? Guidance seems required; so I request patrons at cinema halls all over Mumbai to abide by these ten sacred movie-watching commandments.
1. Switch off your beloved cellphone or keep it on silent in a movie theatre. Trust me, you will live through the agonising withdrawal symptoms. Texting while a film is in progress or sharing images from your cellphone or trying to capture screen shots is akin to taking verbatim notes during a spiritual course – pointless. People who chat on a cellphone about what dinner is to be cooked, exchange live notes on the film they are watching or buy and sell shares in the midst of a screening should have their movie-watching license revoked. And maybe Ranveer Singh or Amitabh Bachchan can rap about it; or better still, rap the knuckles of those who don’t fall in line.
2. Be in time for the screening. Treading over people’s feet in the darkness could earn you a not-undeserved kick in the ankles. Also, don’t inconvenience others by making a mad scramble for the exit five minutes before the movie wraps just because you want to beat the others to the parking lot. And whatever you do, don’t vacillate. Lots of movies these days end with an item song... either sit or leave! Don’t stand in your place and effectively block the view for the rows behind you.
3. Don’t treat the cinema hall like a joint family picnic spot even if you have bought 15 tickets to a Sooraj Barjatya film. If you want to picnic, go to Lonavala or Elephanta caves or Borivali national park. Loudly uttering “Pass the sandwich”, “Why didn’t you get caramel popcorn, you know I don’t like cheese?”, “The AC is too strong, find me the jacket in your bag” is unpardonable. So is taking ages to decide who will sit next to whom and shuffling seats – make a seating chart from home and come.
4. Unless your child is a cinema buff, leave him at home. Pay the big bucks and get a babysitter. Unleashing him on the audience like a baby monkey let loose to jump up and down the stairs is bad news. And bawling infants are a strict no-no. So is smuggling in kids to see ‘A’ rated films and then shutting their eyes with your palms in ‘dirty’ scenes. Get a life.
5. As far as possible, personally go pick your overpriced popcorn and momos from the snack counters during the interval. Ordering on the seat and expecting the usher to bring it midway through the film obstructs another’s viewing, sometimes in crucial scenes. And for Pete’s sake, don't burp.
6. Don’t be a spoilsport and loudly give away the punchline-to-come or, worse, the suspense to a film. And while you may think you are a wittier critic than Pauline Kael, zip your lips and refrain from loudly announcing your review of each sequence of the film. And even if the world is coming to an end onscreen, don’t explain the meaning of the scenes. If your friend is a dumb ****, let him be. He can amuse himself with a candy bar as long as he doesn’t slurp.
7. If you are going out for a smoke or to answer an urgent call from nature, do remember to close the exit door behind you. Any external light disturbs the suspension of disbelief so essential to the magic of a film.
8. Don’t put up your feet on the seat ahead of you even if it’s empty. And remember to keep your shoes on - your socks don’t exactly reek of Versace perfume. I almost got into a scrap while viewing a Broadway play in New York, because, post interval, the tall man in the seat behind decided to dangle his feet on the empty seat adjoining mine.
9. Finally, attend a film festival and observe how cinema buffs watch films. The viewers of MAMI have the best cinema etiquette. If your cellphone rings to announce its existence in the middle of a festival film, the rings will be greeted by a chorus of indignant shhhhs. However, this year there were quite a few upstarts who displayed non-MAMI behaviour.
10. Come to the cinema house to watch films. Not to be pests. It’s a request. Enjoy, and let enjoy, an immersive experience.
