Dr Anjali Chhabria, Psychiatrist and founder of Mindtemple, Mumbai, answers queries related to relationships in personal lives related to insecurity, jealousy, and moving on.
Moving on…
I am a 26 year old woman who has just gotten out of a four year long relationship. Ever since my relationship has ended I have started feeling very odd. The breakup wasn’t bad, in fact we both mutually ended it. I have no hard feelings towards him, but lately whenever I go through social media and see him going out and having fun I seem to get depressed and feel like he has already moved on and that upsets me. Did I not mean anything to him? I talk to him once in a while and he seems to be fine. What is wrong with me? Why am I feeling like this? Please help.
Ans: if you are sure you did not want the relationship anymore, there should be no doubt or any loop hole that you are trying to fill to make sense of the whole situation, as to why you’ll split up. You do not need to compare his life with yours after you are no longer with him, it’s his life he can express in the way he is comfortable. May be he is over socializing to cover up for the void he is feeling after you stepped out of his life. Just looking at the social media pictures it won’t be justified, and you are just creating a cloud of irrational thoughts in your mind that is leading you to self doubt. Be sure of your decision remind yourself of the reason you’ll broke up that might help you to be sure and get yourself engaged into things you like to do and stay occupied with thing you enjoy instead of stalking his actions. Move on and keep an open mind so you can give yourself a chance to have a fresh start with someone else.
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Insecure
I am a 30 year old mother with a 2 month baby girl. My husband and I were trying for a baby, but due to some complications, I could not carry a baby. My best friend is a spinster and she volunteered to be a surrogate mother to my child. At that time it felt like an angel came into our lives as finally my dream of being a mother would come true. However, during the pregnancy my best friend stayed at my place as I wanted to personally take care of her and see my baby grow. But unfortunately, during that time I was treated as the servant as my husband and his family gave my best friend more attention and care. I just felt like the other who had to serve the pregnant woman. I thought things will be better after my child is born, but they have become worse. She comes to visit my daughter every day, my husband still gives her a lot of attention and she behaves like as if my family is hers. I am extremely insecure now and I feel I am going to lose everything. What do I do?
Ans: your insecurity is justified and definitely anyone in your place would probably feel the same. You need to sort this out before your child grows older and you leave her confused with the roles as well. Speak to your husband keeping yourself calm and thinking rationally, about what you feel of the whole situation if need be also share your feeling with your friend, if she has offered to help you being a surrogate for your child which means she does care for you and will think for your happiness. Avoid blaming anyone as that won’t help rather just make things worse. Simply state what you feel about yourself in the relationship and what you expect for yourself and the child. Mostly everyone will wish good for both of you, your child and you so they will co-operate or sort out any kind of remorse feeling that are felt in a relationship. All you need is a good hearty talk. Just make sure you are not feeling this out of guilt of not being able to conceive.
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Jealous
I have been best friends with this guy since childhood. We have shared everything together and I have had many memorable moments with him. However, I never loved him more than a friend and I do not think he did too. Today, he is dating someone and he is madly in love with her. He spends 90% of his time with her, asks me for love advice and only meets me when he needs something. I hate this feeling of sharing my best friend and I really get jealous of his girlfriend as he showers her with lots of affection. I feel lonely now as I had no friend other than him and now the other people too do not give me attention. I think I love my best friend and I need a man like him. I am not able to concentrate on anything and I always think about him and what he must be doing. How do I deal with this situation in a mature way? I feel like I sound like a crazy woman.
Ans: You seemed to be very confused about your feelings towards this boy, you want him but with conditioned applied and you are feeling left out as he expresses his unconditional love for another girl. You have complicated the situation in your head, as you want to keep your feet on both sides. You either let go of your ideology that he is you best childhood friend and hence you cannot perceive him as you boyfriend, if you love him it’s a strong feeling you need not fight it. Express it to him of how much you love him and for all you know he may be happy to hear that too. And if you aren’t ready to experience this feeling then you must let go and be happy for him as a true friend. You as a friend would understand that it’s a phase that he is currently dwelling on a new relationship and wants to invest more time there and be there for him when he needs you. Just because you spend the time earlier with him doesn’t mean you demand that forever, it’s obvious that at some point your priorities are going to change. He found a partner first if you did before him he would probably feel the same and get used to you not being able to be around always. Be accepting, move ahead, probably you find someone you like and get busy yourself, if you’ll are meant to be it will work out.
