Problems Galore: Agony Aunt deals with problems in personal relationships

Not ready for a child yet

 I am 27 years old and I have been married since 2 years. I live in a joint family and recently my mother in law has been asking my husband and me for a grandchild. However, I do not think I am ready for a child because I still want to concentrate on my career and I had made it clear to my husband before marriage that I do not want to have a child cause I do not think I am mature enough to raise a child and I really do not want the responsibility cause I have seen my friends make a lot of sacrifices. My husband was fine with my decision then, but today he does not know how to convince his mother and his family. This has caused a lot of tension in the family and much more friction between my husband and me too. How do I tell my in laws about this? Am I being too unreasonable about not wanting children? How do I suffice my husband’s family and keep myself happy too? I am somehow not convinced for motherhood.

Ans: Its fair enough that you are expressing your honest opinion about not wanting the baby now, do not feel guilt about the same and be sure when you want to start a family. However also consider the fact that if you ever plan in the future considering you are already 27 years, you should weigh out the increasing difficulties with conceiving and pregnancy with age. Try to create win-win situations with both, your needs and their demands. You can probably just begin with the medical checkups and consult a gynaecologist stating you will be planning in future and be prepared if you ever feel you want to go ahead. It’s better to rule out if there aren’t any obstacles then. It’s not that you plan for the baby and you will convince that very minute, at time it happens at times it takes forever, you don’t want to regret then. This way they will feel you aren’t very stuck up with your decision you are ready to give in and compromise, as well as you are buying some time for the space you need.

Feeling lazy & uninterested  

I am a 45 year old married man. I do not have any kids. I used to work in a firm before, but I got tired of that job and left it. I intended to start my own business, but I am yet not motivated to take the first step. I have suddenly become really lazy and I am not interested in doing anything. My wife works and I often hear people say that she is the ‘man of the house’. I am not able to sexually satisfy my wife too as I have lost interest in doing anything, other than sleep. I hear my wife complaining, but I seem to not care. I have lost interest in living and I have no motivation to do anything. I do not feel that I am a man anymore. I feel like hiding in a cocoon all day and just living alone.  Is this a normal feeling? If not, how do I deal with this?

Ans: You sound depressed and you need to seek help for the same. The feeling that you aren’t interested in anything or that you are not motivated to do something is due to the depression you are experiencing and you brain is responsible for the same. Visit a professional psychiatrist who can help you with an anti-depressant and like any other health condition this too can be cured. If you feel you do not want to jump to the pills, you can consult a psychologist and seek help to sort out your feelings and the thoughts that are disturbing you with a help of therapies and other interventions. Speak to someone, may be your wife even if you are feeling intimidated currently, it’s not her or your fault it’s the situation and everything will seem bleak at the moment, she may well support you as you really need that to motivate and keep up with whatever form of help you choose. Reach out and everything can be sorted, just choose a healthy coping strategy.

Infidelity

I am a 40 year old married man.  It’s been 2 months since my wife left me and went. I have 2 sons (13 and 15 years old). I have my own business and I was not able to give much time at home.  My wife complained about me spending less time with her, but I never knew she was unhappy with me until I found out about her affair with one of my employees. I was furious at first, but then I did realize that somewhere it was my fault too. I thought we could work things out, but then she took the drastic step of leaving my boys and me. It’s been difficult and we want her to come back, but she seems to not care. My children still do not know the entire truth. How do I tell them about this? How do I deal with this situation? How do I raise my children alone? There are too many questions and I do not know where to start.

Ans: There are obviously too many things to look at the moment. Start with the priority. Involve family members who can be a mediator between you and your wife. Once there is clarity that your wife wants an out of the relationship you can then speak to your kids about the same. Seeking marital counselling may also help to resolve issues and if need be part ways amicably. Currently a strong family support is what will help you immensely. Involve those whom you think are trustworthy. As far as your kids are concerned, counselling can help for them to deal with the changes in family structure.

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