Agony aunt: The confused soul

Stuck between ‘two’

I have been in love with a girl for the past four years and there has been no reciprocation from her side. However, it has been difficult for me to give up pursuing her as I feel very strongly for her. There is another girl who recently expressed her feelings towards me. She is an amazing person but I can’t seem to move forward. I feel very stuck yet unable to do anything about it. Please help.

Your feelings for the girl you like are very strong which is why looking for a relationship or being able to reciprocate to anyone else is becoming difficult. You are aware that there isn’t going to be any reciprocation and yet choose to distance yourself from a possible fulfilling relationship. The first step is the hardest which will require you to start creating an emotional distance from the girl you like. The aim here is not to create space for someone else, but to ready yourself to invest emotionally in a romantic relationship again.

Of family and fights

I belong to a joint family and have lived in this set-up my entire life. I have witnessed emotional and physical abuse in my family from a very young age. My parents and uncles and aunts don’t get along well together and hence there has been chaos. I found an ally in my cousin to escape this but he is soon moving abroad forever. I didn’t want the animosity to trickle down to our generation but am unable to resolve or find a lasting solution. What can I do?

You are trying to shoulder the responsibility of not only your generation, but your entire family. This could be a precipitating factor for stress and anxiety in you. Your desire to have a unified front with your cousins can be fulfilled when you channelise your efforts towards maintaining cordial relations with him. You have seen abuse in close quarters, thus, the concern about your ally moving away can be curbed if both of you have a mutual understanding and respect for your relationship. At this point in time, you can strengthen and salvage your bonds, rather than, the family at large.

Agony aunt: The confused soul

A friend’s fear

I recently moved to Ahmedabad for further studies. I left behind my family but was more affected by leaving my best friend. We have been quite close for the last seven years. Since my move I have realised that she has been drifting away. I have tried talking to her about this but she dismisses it and instead blames me for not putting enough efforts. I don’t know what more can be done since I am physically not present there. Am I missing something here?

Physical distance in a relationship often creates havoc for the parties involved. Your best friend drifting away could probably be your perception and thus, it is important to understand her standpoint as well. Rather than laying out your concerns it would help if your friend articulates what makes her feel that you are not putting in more efforts. Relationship goes through quite a few changes when there is lack of physical presence and thus lead to misunderstandings if not handled well. Both of you could start by having an open discussion without laying down expectations of any sorts from each other in order to resolve this.

The confused soul

I am studying a course which has bits and pieces of concepts I am really interested in. the course is very demanding and leaves very little time for me to explore my choices in any manner. I tried enrolling myself for online courses however could only sustain for a while as the assignments took over. I am studying this course as I want the degree and a strong base, but I am not sure I can pull another three years. I can’t find a better way to fulfil my dreams. Please help.

The situation you have mentioned resembles approach avoidance conflict, wherein, the course that you want to avoid is also the course that you think can help in certain ways. The importance of the said degree needs to be re-evaluated as three years of distress is quite a lot to handle. Despite thorough evaluation, if you find the degree holds more importance then finding time as well as ways and means to accommodate your other interests is necessary. Allotting time for your interest might be a slow process but something is better than nothing, till you have complete access to utilise your time the way you want it.

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