Agony Aunt suggests youngsters to establish healthy relationships

Guy trying too hard to please

I recently met a guy through matrimonial site. We hit it off instantly and have been meeting very regularly. With further interactions I have come to realise that he is trying too hard to please me and make me happy all the time. I feel obligated to return the favour and I know this is not the feeling I want to start something new with him. We get along well together and I don’t want to break his heart over this. 

Ans: The relationship sounds very important to you as you are concerned about his well being and what could possibly hurt him. You wish to start this relationship on strong foundation and for that to happen communicating your concern regarding his behaviour needs to happen at the earliest. Your fear is leading you to believe that saying anything to him might lead to upsetting him. The process might appear harsh to you but once you have given him an idea that he doesn’t have to put in more than necessary efforts and that you are happy with him as it is, he might not take it negatively.

On a crossroad

I am 18-years-old. I want to study cosmetology. I love working with cosmetics. I am very interested to learn more about it and become a professional, but my parents don’t support my ambition. Being a professional hair dresser is a very non-conventional career as per them. They say that I will never amount to much in that field of work. But this is what I want to do and I am determined, but I don’t want to upset my parents either. This situation from my point of view looks very bleak. I am worried that I will have to let go of my dream. What should I do?

Ans: I understand the conflict situation that you are into which is resulting in either you or your parents being upset. However, at times, temporary happiness may not result in a long term solution to things. Thus, you may want to prioritize your decision for building your career in cosmetology over the need to please your parents for the time-being. The regret and unhappiness that would follow in the long run if you chose a conventional profession might leave you dissatisfied and frustrated. In the distant future, having chosen your choice of profession, you may excel in it and in-turn make your parents proud and reinforce their faith in you.

Woes of a troubled son

My parents had an arranged marriage that broke when I was four. I live with my mother, her parents and my step brother. Her second marriage too isn’t going well, because she is with me in her mother’s house every day. She is extremely insecure and controlling when it comes to me. I am a 20-year-old who has restrictions which lead me to be stuck inside my house all day. Her tone of communication with me is horrible and we are only arguing and fighting. I am not allowed to talk to my father or meet him. Being at home while my friends meet outside of college is not a very nice feeling, especially when the environment at home is so negative and depressing. I resort to sleeping and reading all day to avoid contact with people in the house and arguments. I feel so trapped and frustrated.

Ans: A family intervention is essential at this point as taking any independent decision impulsively or due to frustration would prove detrimental. Being an adult, you are in a position to make certain decisions based on your understanding and maturity. Involving other family members in order to deal with your mother better might reflect the seriousness of the situation. Arguing or picking fights with your mother may simply worsen the situation. Additionally, you might feel like rebelling at every given turn, but refraining yourself from doing so would help more in increasing your chances at a positive relationship with her.

The one who is always anxious

I am a highly anxious person and it reflects through my under-confidence in most situations, be it social or professional. Whenever encountered with any new situation or even the thought of it, my first response is to find an excuse to escape it. I constantly feel like I did not do a good job or nobody likes me and constantly find faults in the way I look, talk, work, etc. I am unable to socialise enough, because of the low self-esteem and anxiety and that leaves me feeling lonely and further sad. I don’t know how to break this vicious cycle.

Ans: There is an insight into your problems which is very helpful in dealing with the problem areas mentioned. Broadly, you need to work on confidence which will invariably lead to attempting tasks that might seem difficult and on successful completion make you feel less anxious and negative about yourself. For the same, seeking professional help in terms of regular counselling might be very helpful as each issue will be individually catered to so that there is holistic improvement.

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