Agony Aunt helps you to deal with problems in personal life

Intolerence

I am a 22 year old who lacks tolerance. Even the smallest mishap can really get to me and annoy me to no end. For example, teachers spelling my name wrong, receiving too many calls/messages on my phone or landline, people sprouting non-sense, people asking too many unnecessary questions etc. I just cannot handle such instances and easily lose my cool. As a result, I come off as being rude and insensitive. My family members and friends are very frustrated with my attitude and are running thin on patience. I realize that this lack of tolerance is not the way to go as others have shown a lot more tolerance towards me and my behaviour and I need to reciprocate that. Please help me as I don’t know what to do. 

Ans: You are right in gaining an insight into your feelings, that’s is you do have low frustration tolerance, and it is a condition by itself that need proper treatment with help of counselling sessions. Low Frustration Tolerance can be due to several reasons like physical ailments or discomforts, emotional stress, or at times it can even be personality traits that can lead on to developing this condition. One may describe this state as a person quickly reacting (mostly in a negative form) to any kind of frustration and is incapable to tolerate the negative situation with a rational approach. Understand the state of your mind, when there is something that you find frustrating you snap and react Ina way that either leave you or others affected negatively, so thee are two problems here, one is that you find something frustrating easily and another is that you do and then you react in an unexpected manner. Both these issues need to be resolved, and with a very rational approach, you need to change your thinking, this will change the whole chain of negative reactions. This will come with practice you just need to be dedicated to it.

Fearing mismatch

I am getting married and the marriage is arranged by my parents. I am not sure if I am entirely ready to marry as I am just 25 years old. The man I am marrying is 6 years older than me and I have just met him a few times, but I do not feel any spark between us and I cannot see myself married to him for more than 2 years. He is a really boring man and he is someone who is completely opposite to me. He is not my type of man, but how do I tell this to my parents because they are very rigid and strict with their beliefs and they believe that a woman has to not choose her spouse. The man they want me to marry is qualified and has a secure job?

Ans: Everyone initially has a faux persona, that they put up to impressive the opposite sex person, it is biological and he may be trying to woo you by play the dominant role of power, he may be probably hiding his wild side that is fun and interesting. Don’t he in a haste to judge him and be so critical with few short meetings, there may be more to it. You can never judge the book by its cover, so have patience and give sometime to him and your relationship to evolve and it may surprise you. Try to meet at a place where you’ll can have a good communication, probably at time involve friends and or cousins that way you can get others opinion and if it’s his friends or cousin you can get a fair idea on how he mingles socially. Think of some ways that will help you to know him better, like while visiting his parents you can start a topic on his childhood that give a good introspective view of his life too. Despite of all such various effort you still find that he isn’t that interesting you can humbly confront him and share with your parents, how you truly tried but if it doesn’t work now how will you ever connect in future.

Caught in the web of friendship

As a person, I am very outgoing and I love meeting new people and making friends. Therefore, when my friend introduced me to a close friend of hers of whom I had heard of a lot and vice-versa, we instantly hit it off and over a period of time became really close. The problem arises when I want to meet that friend but we are obliged to call the common friend as it does not feel right meeting without her. It is difficult to plan to meet on a day that is suitable for all three of us and therefore we have cancelled many meeting due to that common friend not being able to come. I really want to spend time with my new friend without feeling like I am leaving out my old friend. What can I do?

Ans: It is like that you may feel the restrictions in dwelling on a new relationship held up by the old one, in other words it is unfair that you have to hold yourself back from making new friends just because the old one isn’t free to meet you’ll. If the feeling is mutual between you and the new friends then you should seek her help and together explain this to the old friend next time when you’ll meet, if she is your true friend and trusts you that all you are doing is keeping equal friendship between her and the new friend, she shouldn’t mind, she will think like a matured individual who is secured with her role as a friend in your life, and if she is not so sure you can secure her and assure her that her role will never change and this may ease her and let you met the new friend without any hesitation and the other friend should do the same. Your old friend may feel uneasy initially but if you be fair with her and do not take away her importance in your life she will get used to the idea that you and the other friend can meet and be friends independently too. Communication will be the best key.

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