Agony Aunt: Dealing with problems in relationships

Conundrum

I am in love with a girl from a different religion. We both love each other, but she is not that well to do and she is also not from the same religion as mine. My parents do not want me to marry her as they believe that I deserve better. Her family is supporting her and want her to marry me. I do not want to hurt my parents, but I know that I will be happy with this girl. What do I do? I do not want to lose either of them and I cannot lose on time too as my girl’s parents want her to marry soon.

Ans: Feeling torn between two things you live the most can be very difficult to deal with. Either one will have to bend over and accept what you decide and namely it can be your parents as they might be having some reason for you not marrying this girl and if those reasons are sorted out then it can be a possibility that they will change their minds . Sit down and peacefully talk to them, make them understand that you love this girl and it will be better that you already know how to carry on this relationship as you have known her since a while. It will be very difficult for you to let go of this relationship as you will have to go through a heart break and then mend yourself and you may again take very long to find another suitable girl. If they have some reasons that they would not want her to marry you justify those reasons and assure them that you will look after those concerns well. They love you and wish for your happiness, if you confirm that they should no longer hold you
back.

Kids don’t like step mom

I am a divorced man who got custody for my children. My wife cheated on me and left me for another man. It has been 6 years since my divorce and my children have been living with me since then. I am financially very blessed and I can afford to give my children everything. However, I recently got married to someone else and my new wife treats my kids as her own, but my children do not like it and recently my older son just left my house in anger and chose to live with his biological mom (who has actually given my children a lot of grief). I do not know what to do as I was always the hero, but now I am sure my ex-wife must be instigating my older son against me. I am scared of losing my children.

Ans: You are feeling very insecure about your children, that reflects how much you love them and if you do love them unconditionally they would know it and trust your relationship that they will value it at some point of time. Children can gather where they are secured and where they have to face difficulty, this could for temporary and hence do not work yourself up. Stay calm and try to empathise with them, your son felt very loved and secured by you until you got married and now suddenly they have to share your love with someone and probably this could be the reason of retaliating. If you children are comfortable with their biological mother its fine, you need to accept that but at the same time try and clear the air between you and your children before the distance increase. If they do not get along with her they would themselves realize that its more worth staying with you and you can then explain to them, that no matter who comes in your life your love for them will always remain exclusive. Be patient and try to deal with your son in a loving way that’s what this whole issue is about, the assurance from your end will be a great help to your son.

Alone in a crowd

I am an extrovert and I have made so many friends in university in the past year. However, the other day it was my birthday and only three people celebrated it with me. I felt very bad as I expected more of my friends to do something for me. I was sad and now I feel like there is no point of having friends. I feel like a loner and I never thought I would feel this way. 

Ans: One situation cannot be generalized to the entire possibility and making changes in your attitude based on that assumption is very irrational. You are found of people and you made friends willingly, you did it as you liked spending time with them and their company in different area of life, you did not make friends keeping expectations that they will give you equal importance in life. May be everyone doesn’t have their social life as a priority; they may have other things to look after. You are getting hurt as you expect them to give you time and value your company just the way you do, but not all reciprocate as you expect and that should be okay. Your need to have friends is satisfied when you spend time with them so you can continue doing the same to feel happy, you cannot make others choose their need to socialize in the way you expect, and that also doesn’t indicate that they do not like you, it just goes to say that they do not consider you very important as you expect them to. This is fair enough, you have few friends who are very close to you and they chose to keep the special bond between you’ll but besides them you will only be hurt if you expect the whole university to be as friendly and tight as these people are with you.

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