Washington: One was “fired” up, the other had “pants on fire” as the Republican red and Democratic blue combatants began the 100-day dash in the White House 2016 “game of throws.” “No more Mr Nice Guy” — seriously — said Donald Trump aka “Dangerous Donald” to rivals as he threw punches at press, pundits, the president and politicians for piling up on him for picking up on hapless Pakistani-American parents of a US soldier killed in Iraq.
“We are going to punch through the media,” declared the brash billionaire branding “the failing” New York Times “totally dishonest”, Washington Post “a little bit better lately but not good” and “so biased toward Crooked Hillary” CNN as “Clinton News Network.”
Shooting his mouth, the Republican standard bearer scored a “B’S” eye as he escalated his feud with Khizr Khan, the lawyer from Pakistan, for daring to question his “sacrifices” and asking if he had read the American constitution. Khan insinuated Trump has a “black soul,” the media suggested he had gone too far, the 2008 Republican flag bearer John McCain admonished that he did not have an ” unfettered license to defame those who are the best among us.”
Playing partisan politics, Barack Obama with the Singapore Prime Minister standing by his side used the presidential bully pulpit to egg Republicans to dump an “unfit” Trump. Before the Republicans could blink, a petulant Trump threw in a hammer by delaying his endorsement of House speaker Paul Ryan and McCain in their re-election bids.
But despite Trump’s “strange” and “distressing” run, as Ryan put it, neither dropped his support for their captain even as some pundits suggested that after a self-goal and Khan’s knock-out blow, the reality TV star may be “fired” by the voters.
Others were quick to note that like Maggi Hot and Sweet sauce “It’s different” for Teflon Donald. And on the blue side, with her “verbal gymnastics” Hillary Clinton earned a perfect four Pinocchios – for a whopper or a big fat lie — from the Post and “pants on fire” from PolitiFact for her tall tales about her email saga.
Yet brazenly splitting hair, she tripled down on her claim that FBI Director James “Comey said my answers were truthful, and what I’ve said is consistent with what I have told the American people.” Maybe she just “short-circuited” Comey’s comments that “She did not lie to FBI!” admitted Clinton as she served an ace in the blame game too.
If for President Harry S. Truman the buck stopped in the Oval Office, in true Democratic fashion, the 45th presidential hopeful favoured equitable distribution. The security ball for the 2012 attack on Benghazi, Libya “was not my ball to carry” and she relied on the judgement of 300 State department professionals on email classification.
In pirouetting too she came out tops. After declining to release transcripts of her Wall Street speeches made for $225,000 a pop, she vowed that “Wall Street can never, ever be allowed to wreck Main Street again.” Yet here she was in Omaha, Nebraska, campaigning with the “Omaha Oracle” Warren Buffett with a promise that if she wins, then she’ll come back soon “and Warren and I will dance in the streets of Omaha together.”
She also counts former New York mayor Michael R. Bloomberg and Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban among her other fat cat backers. Playing innuendo in tandem with Obama, she again insinuated that Vladimir Putin’s spooks were behind the computer hacks of her presidential campaign and two other party outfits to help Trump.
Her rival’s “quite excessive praise for Putin, his absolute allegiance to a lot of Russian wish list foreign policy positions,” she suggested, clinched the issue.
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange declined to implicate the Russians saying truth was their only concern and for him choosing between Trump and Clinton is like picking between Cholera or Gonorrhea.
He did not say who was which, but RipnRoll.com rolled out satirical political humour lubricated condoms for both contestants. The “Intern Approved” Hillary condoms are “designed to give you a sense of security while you’re getting Screwed”. And Trump’s “I’m Huuuuge!” condoms “are built like a wall to keep out STDs” and “help you negotiate rounding the bases and scoring safely.”
Come polling day November 8, American voters are advised “Don’t leave home without it” as a famed 70s American Express ad suggested.