Free Press Journal

Ulta Pulta: Protecting the Royal Couple


London : Britain's Prince William, left, Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry, right, arrive to attend the Commonwealth Day service at Westminster Abbey in London, Monday, March 14, 2016. Organized by the Royal Commonwealth Society, the service is the largest annual inter-faith gathering in the United Kingdom. AP/PTI(AP3_14_2016_000316B)

In this crisis-prone world celebrities are vulnerable and the countries they come from and the ones that host their visits have to offer them super-special security. With the British royal couple, Prince William and Duchess Kate in India, both the Indian and British governments are not sparing any efforts with their super security measures. V Gangadhar investigates.

Scotland Yard, MI5, SI6 British Maroons, Special Branch, a resurrected 007 section are ready on duty and have been roped in to protect the British Royal couple (Will/Kat) and the two royal children during their forthcoming official visit to India. The security offered to them in unprecedented.

Everyone in India, likely to get in touch with them, has been ‘vetted’ by top security agencies.

The royal couple will spend several hours in Bollywood, watch films being shot, mingling with top stars, briefed on Bollywood happenings and may even make brief guest appearances in a couple of Hindi films. All these involve tremendous security problems which will be handled by a special Task Force headed by a joint British-Bollywood crack team.

The Britishers were briefed on the latest Bollywood situation before they were allowed to take charge. The British Home Secretary was himself in charge of special measures to tackle special sensitive security measures like roping in actor Shah Rukh Khan to liaise with the royal visitors. There was a top secret meet among the British team as they discussed their special strategy in handling the situation. Code Named ‘Operation Rahul’ it involved a deep strategy in working with the Indian star.

The Task force which was headed by the Home Secretary, Defence Secretary, heads of various British intelligence agencies including the 007 section held one final session to wrap up the security arrangements.

Home Secretary: This is a major intelligence and security measure, have we named it?

M (of 00 section): As head of the 007 section, we thought of naming it after us because Bona is known to all Indians. But that may have some disadvantages. So we have named the mission ‘Operation Rahul” giving it a nice Indian touch.

Defence Secretary: While checking out we discovered that our secret agent bore the name of Rahul in most of his films. It was a close race between ‘Rahul’ and ‘Raj’. But he was Rahul in his most successful film which ran for more than 1000 days in a single Bombay theatre. Out intelligence agencies felt that Rahul would suit our super hero more.

Marine 1: Any other special qualifications?

Home Secretary: Well, he knows Bollywood inside out, been there for nearly 30 years. My film critic friend told me he had acted in dozens of films without changing facial expressions, even our own Sir Laurence Olivier did not do that.

Defence Minister: Shah Rukh handles a dangerous assignment VIP protection is dangerous. Can Rahul handle this?

One of the Secret Agents: You will be surprised, sir. This bloke handled sensitive, dangerous assignments all over the world mostly singing and dancing. At the slightest provocation he breaks out into wedding song and dance. Great showman. We are sure our royal highnesses would love him.

Another Marine: Is he well briefed on what he is supposed to do?

Her Highness, I am told loves film gossip, we want Rahul to be properly briefed.

Home Secretary: Oh, we hired experts to brief Her Highness on these issues. She knows what really happened between Hritik Roshan and Kangana, who was the real villain in the Ballika Vadhu tragedy. Who is supplying Rakhi Sawant with 5000 table fans to replace the existing ceiling fans? We have left nothing to chance. Her Royal Highness will be a hit in Bollywood and may even work part time for a film channel.

(V Gangadhar writes satire, a special form of humour. Incidents and anecdotes in his column are purely imaginary)