Free Press Journal

Sex And The City: Meet the Sexter


My fiancé admitted that he engages in sexual chats with random and unknown women on the internet, and he visits such sex chat rooms regularly. He calls it a stress buster. While he is a successful professional, I am deeply hurt and concerned about our future marital and sexual life. I am unable to process this. Will he ever stop after marriage? Is this a good enough reason to reconsider my decision to marry him. Please help.

You are within your right to feel that his loyalties to you will suffer if he has ‘sex chats’ with unknown women on the internet. His being a successful professional has nothing to do with this behaviour.

In most cultures, marriage is a monogamous commitment entailing romantic relational exclusivity to a single person and his behaviour hints at ‘polygamous proclivities’ which you are clearly not comfortable with. To cheat on a partner, it isn’t necessary to only have sex outside of wedlock. To be romantically involved (even at a purely emotional and non-physical level) with someone other than your partner is also technically cheating on your partner.

People find various ways to bust stress. Some comfort eat, some go for a long run, some take hot showers, some plan holidays, some cook their favourite food, some play with their pets, some gamble, some get together with friends, some drink or smoke their troubles away and some decide to tend to their sexual needs in a variety of ways.

Have you considered expressing your concerns to about how he ‘busts stress’ directly with him? Or how that makes you feel? That would certainly help him see your appraisal of the situation. It’s only fair for him to know. This would help you processing it. As far as addressing it is concerned, ask yourself if you would be happy to marry a man that you’d have to share with another woman.  These ‘chat room sessions’ are likely to steal time and energy from your relationship.

Whether he will stop his sex chatroom romps after marriage or not entirely depends on his need to ‘please you’ or his emotional investment in the relationship you’ll currently share. To understand his needs and behaviour, perhaps a visit to a marriage counsellor may help – if you’ll wish to save this relationship.

Knowing this about him, whether you decide to marry him or not is a decision you’ll have to take and live with. This decision may be based on how badly you want this relationship to succeed and how much you believe in his ability to grow out of this habit of his.

(Aman R Bhonsle is a qualified Psychosocial Analyst and a Professional Youth Mentor with specialisation in Transactional Analysis and REBT. He is available for consultation at the Heart To Heart Counselling Centre.)