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Agony Aunt helps you to deal with relationship problems

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The secret relationship

I am a 27-year-old woman who is married for last 3 years. We get along really well, but we are unable to bond sexually. Everything was fine till I recently went for a trip with my friends where I met a man who is almost the same age as mine. We really enjoyed each other’s company and I am also physically attracted to him. I was close to ensuring a physical relationship with him but being married made me reconsider. I don’t want to bring in issues in my marriage. But after coming back from the trip, I am in a dilemma if I should maintain contact with him or not. Please help!

Ans: There is importance of physical attraction in a relationship as is compatibility otherwise. It is pertinent to first understand the void you feel in your marriage and have a clarity with your husband as to where does he stand on this matter. Ensuring a relationship outside marriage would lead to conflicts that might be a cause of stress. Thus, making sure how you wish to move in your marriage would help to begin with. The attachment with the new person is probably fulfilling a deficit need at the moment and thus leading to conflict as well. Finding out more about your feelings towards this person is also essential.


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Lack of concentration  

I am a 15-year-old boy currently studying in 10th standard. My problem is that I am unable to concentrate on my studies for more than an hour at a stretch and I have been scoring really low in my exams. Also, I feel very lazy and don’t want to do anything at all. How do I motivate myself? I also have a problem with sleeping on time and using too much of gadgets and lazing at home. My mother has banned me from using wifi and is very strict with me. Please help. 

Ans: From what you mention, studies seem to have immense pressure on to you currently owing to this being your 10th grade. Since concentration is an issue, studying at regular intervals with breaks which aren’t mentally too straining could help. Identifying your weaknesses and seeking help accordingly could also be good start for motivation. Lesser gadget time, few relaxing breaks, healthy food and good sleep all are helpful tips.

Confused about companion

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for the past 4 years now. We both come from different religious, financial and academic backgrounds. He recently proposed to me and I feel very conflicted as to what to do. I love him very much but I don’t know if we’ll be compatible in the long run. He is a B.com graduate and works in sales, lives with his parents, and is a Catholic. Whereas, I am currently pursuing my PhD and work as a researcher, live alone and am a Sindhi. Please provide me with your guidance.

Ans: A relationship is based on as much similarities as differences. Sharing your doubts with your boyfriend is essential as he may harbour few insecurities himself. The future course has to be decided by you and him together rather than you are contemplating and worrying alone. You have four years of relationship which might have witnessed possible ups and downs. Collectively look at the entire picture prior to focusing only on the differences. The differences you mentioned here might have been present right from the start of the relationship but are being visible now as the next step in the relationship might be insights. Thus, discussing things with your boyfriend could lead to few answers and help relieve your questions.

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Hazardous eating pattern

I am a 19-year-old girl from Chandigarh. I have been unable to eat properly for the past month now. Every time food is placed in front of me, I feel nauseous and scared that I’ll get fat. And then once in a way, at nights generally, I tend to binge eat. At these moments I eat everything sugary and fried, like chocolate, ice creams and chips. I then end up feeling worse about myself afterwards and go back to starving. I am suffering from throat infection as well. My parents have no clue about this. I had seen someone online describing their eating habits which suited me for a while but didn’t work out. This is happening for the past 3 years. I am tired of this cycle. Please tell me how to break it.

Ans: The pattern resembles few symptoms of eating disorder which can be helped with psychotherapy. Cognitive behavioural therapy is an effective way to resolve this as their techniques which will help break this pattern. Through therapy you will learn about the possible triggers to this behaviour as well as ways to curb such an impulse on facing triggers over a period of time. The basis of such impulsive behaviour could be underlying stress and to certain degree anxiety as well. Once the root cause of such behaviour is known things become easier to sort. Kindly avoid referring to online information as it leads to filtering out information and retaining only that which would heighten the anxiety.