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Agony Aunt helps you to deal with relationship problems

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Not made for each other

I’m a 26 year old boy who got married last year. Ours was an arranged marriage and we didn’t really get enough time to know each other before. We really hit it off as friends and enjoyed each others’ company in the start and this gave me the assurance that we’d be okay as a couple too. However, post marriage we both have felt a miss in connection and realised our ways of life and personalities don’t match up to each others’ wants or needs. We love each other as friends and wish to be in each others’ lives but there’s something missing in our marriage. We’re both compelled to be with each other as divorce is not an option. Is this just a phase?

Ans: Since you both are in a space where there is comfort and mutual liking towards each other, seeking marital counselling could be a start to help understand the nature of this marriage. In a marriage partnership it is essential to be on similar page and since you mention that there is something missing in your equation, therapy could help find that and also if workable allow both of you to give the relationship a fair chance.


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Concerned daughter-in-law

I’m a 29 year old girl living and married in Mumbai. Although it’s been more than a year to my wedding, I have recently started noticing odd behaviors in my mother-in-law. My husband and I recently moved out of our joint family into our own house that is literally just one level above my in-laws. Since he has started depending on me more now, she feels a bit left out. He hasn’t changed his attitude towards her at all. She’s a very nice woman and I have no complaints against her. But how do I make her feel more secure in her relationship with my husband?

Ans: There is change that you, your husband and your mother-in-law are all going through with the shift in the family set up. In order to ease out your mother-in-law’s insecurity, involving your husband is essential as he is the link between the two of you. Bringing about drastic change would be unwelcome so bring about changes gradually so that all of you could be comfortable. Beyond a certain limit you may not be able to bring about normalcy that you wish for as certain changes are bound to appear disrupting at least to begin with.

Fear of marriage

I’m a 24 year old girl who recently got engaged to the boy I have been seeing for a while now. Our relationship is as good as ever and probably getting better as the days pass. We have decided a courtship of 6 months to give ourselves the space we need to prepare. Two months have passed and all of a sudden I’ve been getting anxious thoughts about my future. I know our fate is sealed but I’ve been feeling like I’m going to be missing out a lot in life. I love him a lot and definitely want to be with him but the whole idea of marriage is scaring me. For some reason, I feel this is too big a label and maybe I’m not ready to give up my freedom yet. Am I getting cold feet?

Ans: Having a discussion about this with your fiancé is essential as it is a decision to be made by the two of you. You contemplating about marriage and the reasons mentioned about missing out on life could be a reflection of being anxious. The anxiety is quite normal as there is going to be a shift in the relationship from merely dating to then being a committed couple. The idea that marriage will curb your freedom may be stemming from anxiety and could be relieved if you discuss this with your fiancé as even someone you are close to.

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Keep boys at bay

I’m a 23 year old girl living in Mumbai. I’ve been single for almost three years now and have been pretty okay with the status. I have been attracted to boys but for some reason I can never let them cross a certain boundary I have. I feel my security and balance in life will be threatened and I can’t entertain the idea of losing any sort of control. Sometimes I feel they are a waste of my time although deep down I do crave their presence. What should I do? 

Ans: The conflict here is whether to take a plunge and let the other individual become a part of your life to an extent that he matters to you and you matter to him. The need of companionship exists strongly but what prevents from a relationship being developed is lack of trust in the whole process. Building in that trust gradually in the process of relationship usually helps in overcoming the hurdle. Give the person a chance to be a part of your life rather than worrying about the relationship status in the start.