SELF- ESTEEM IS ABOUT GOING BEYOND ALL IDEAS OF OURSELVES, SO THAT WE CAN COAST ALONG FREE OF ALL SENSE OF SELF, WRITES SUMA VARUGHESE.

KARMA CORNER

How many of us, I wonder, can claim to have perfect selfesteem? I personally don't know of too many, do you? Yes, there are a few who exists in that beautific stage, but most of us go through life with average self- esteem. This means we get by pretty well on a day- to- day basis, but there are huge areas of ourselves we refuse to face, there are huge areas of life we refuse to explore, and we usually live behind an image or a mask.

What does perfect selfesteem entail? Perfect self- esteem means being totally at ease with yourself.

It bespeaks the ability to step out of every front, image or concept of ourselves and be ourselves every moment of the day. It means allowing ourselves to be completely ourselves, even if we are being silly, embarrassing or boring. It means loving ourselves fully and unconditionally. It means being our own best friend.

Quite a tall order, you will agree. Most of the time, we chew ourselves out. Many of us have a stern disciplinarian mounted inside our heads, hissing? 'Klutz'every time we stumble over a foot rug and yelling blue murder each time we make a mistake at work. We can be our worst taskmasters, never approving of who we are, always pulling ourselves down.

This is usually because we have an idea of ourselves, constructed from our conditioning, from what society expects out of us, from our ideals and values, etc. Each time we infringe this unwritten code of conduct, our inside conductor raves. We have betrayed it, and therefore, we are unworthy. Those of us who have known fairly long periods of failure know that the most painful experience during these downers is the difficulty of living with ourselves, of actually experiencing the painful and alienating emotions happening within us.

So perfect self- esteem is about going beyond all ideas of ourselves, so that we can coast along free of all sense of self.

See the paradox? Perfect selfesteem frees you of a sense of self. You don't have to keep worrying about yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, your failures and your needs. You can live spontaneously, in the moment, in complete confidence that whatever you do or do not do, is perfectly appropriate.

If perfect self- esteem is such an enviable state to be in, what stops us from getting there? I mentioned it earlier. The thought policeman we have set up inside ourselves. As we go through life, trying to live up to parental expectations, coping with the circumstances of life, handling peer pressure many of us face failure in small and big things.

Perhaps we broke a precious crystal figurine and mother told us we were bad. May be our friends made fun of our braces or spectacles, maybe we just weren't too good at studies and had to face the humiliation of being detained for a year.

Whatever the cause, we tend to develop a poor opinion of ourselves.

And a certain picture of us develops. We are clumsy, stupid, dishonest, bad, whatever.

The chasm between our ideal selves, whom the internal policeman never ceases to remind us of and what we see as our 'real'selves, widens, bringing with it the sort of conflicts and tensions that are familiar to most of us. Very often we escape by constructing false picture of ourselves.

We pretend to be what we secretly fear we are not. If we think we are as feeble, we develop a macho persona.

If we fear that we are sloppy, we become compulsory neat freaks. If we fear we are lazy, we become workaholics. Any driven behaviour, which is behaviour we cannot control, has an element of escapism behind it.

We are trying to run away from who we think we are.

When we develop poor selfesteem, many consequences follow. We are uncomfortable with ourselves, and lose touch with our inner selves. We don't know our inner motivations, the reasons for our behaviour patterns, the cause behind our deepest drives, needs, and longing.

We become a stranger to ourselves and that is one of the most profound tragedies that can befall us. For it makes us completely out of control with ourselves. Poor self- esteem also makes us unwilling to take risks, to free ourselves in relationships, in going forward boldly into life. We remain on the margins of life, too afraid to grasp boldly at life lest we fail again. Poor self- esteem imprisons us as much as perfect selfesteem frees us.

So how does one learn to develop perfect self- esteem? Well, in my opinion, this can only be done by going within.

Most of the time we base our self- esteem on external conditions and events. On the fact of being a great cook, for instance, or the managing director of a 2000- crore company. On our good looks or the fact that we have cores of money in the bank account. But these are not sure- fire states of being. Good looks will fade and money can disappear as fast as it appeared.

Designations and skills can desert us. Then where are we? Perfect self- esteem cannot be based on externals because externals are never certain. We need to go deep within ourselves and make contact with our real selves. In contrast to the idea we have developed of ourselves as all too imperfect and limited our real selves, our truest selves, are whole and perfect. It is in knowing this and slowly actualising that knowledge within ourselves that we develop perfect selfesteem.

The few people in my acquaintance who have perfect self- esteem are all those who have done the necessary excavation within themselves, experienced every aspect of themselves and have slowly plumbed into their real selves.

Such people are a delight to be with. Simple, essential and authentic, they allow you too experience that blessed state of being too. They accept you unconditionally, and for a moment, so do you.

Such people are naturally giving and loving for they want nothing from others. They are complete in themselves and therefore they can afford to live openly, without manipulating or pleasing. By being themselves, they stand like beacons, both lighting the path before us and giving us the direction for our own growth.

From then, we learn how to love ourselves.