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Agony Aunt helps you to deal with relationship problems

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The Hi-Fi housewife

It was an arranged marriage, my parents are modern so they got me a wife even from different religion, but this woman was hell-bent on being extra modern. When we first went to see her in her home she didn’t touch feet of any elders present and was wearing a non-traditional outfit which was very unusual. She is very beautiful and has completed her post graduation but she was staying home then. Her parents were very nice and behaved respectfully with us. My parents had mixed feelings about her but eventually we got married, as I thought these will be some sort of defined behaviour which may change eventually after marriage.  She is an atheist and doesn’t believe in God which we were unaware of before the marriage. She is very ok with Public Display of affection (PDAs). I am getting very affected as I feel I can’t continue to keep up with her attitude and I am planning to take divorce but I am scared that my parents won’t agree. My mother is also very depressed because of this and my father doesn’t talk much anymore. We are modern but not to the extent that we can tolerate such behaviour. Please help.

Ans: It looks like you perceive this whole situation as a blunder caused by you and you are regretful of the mistake you have made, but there are some things that are not in your control, like your marriage as it takes two to tango and both partners need to work equally in the relationship, and usually it fails if one of them is being incorporative. You sort of knew that she is someone who likes to follow her heart by doing what she think is right, but you cannot blame yourself to assume that she would not consider others feeling and remain very self involved by not wanting to adapt with you. One would assume that she would have probably loved you and may bend a little to work this out, instead for her it is either my way or highway, well then she clearly shows that this won’t work and she is not going to change, so the outcome is obvious and that is splitting up rather than going through this disagreements for the rest of your life. You and your family may take probably some time to overcome this shock but eventually you may find the peace and deal with it. So avoid self blame and just take the necessary step for you and your families’ long term happiness.


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Finding the lost friend

My best friend since childhood has recently been diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder. His mood has been extremely erratic and at times has exhibited intense anger towards the smallest issue. He is unable to sleep at night and sleeps at odd hours during the day. His appetite has increased considerably and he has lost interest in meeting me or his friends. He was the kind of person who loved going out and trying new things but now he has completely changed. He is irritable and would switch off his phone for days so that no one can contact him. He keeps pushing me away and I fear he may take a drastic step. I really want to help him but I don’t know how to. Please guide me.

Ans: He needs professional help as soon as possible; he will have to be under treatment depending on his prognosis. Like you mentioned he has been diagnosed, so that mean he is under some guidance of a doctor, all you can do is support your friend by helping her to seek this advice regularly even if it is little difficult as it might be heart melting to see her son in this condition as well as you can be the for her because careers need equal amounted of concern to play their role efficiently. If he seeks professional treatment he will be on medication that’s pharmacotherapy and he will constant psychotherapy too in which the therapist will aid him to take the right path in dealing with his state of mind. You can only be there for him and his family and take them through the light of healing.

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Annoying family rituals 

I come from a family that is very conservative and superstitious. I went to an international school as compared to my parents and grandparents and have thus had a lot exposure and don’t believe in most of the practices that my family members follow religiously. They are the kind who would turn around if a black cat crosses their path and would not wear outfits that have black in them. They have so many restrictions at home and always have to consult the ‘jyotish’ to make any business decision, it is ridiculous! I am growing increasingly annoyed at their behaviour and have often lashed out on them. In response to my anger, they have had a puja to ‘cure’ me of my momentary ‘madness’! I am 25 years old and it is very embarrassing for me to have a family that is so backward. How do I explain to them that most of it is utter nonsense? Please help me.

Ans: The moment you start feeling ashamed of your family, it reflects that you have probably lost respect for them, you have begin to think of them as someone who is below you or are less fortunate own in terms of knowledge. This will be looked upon as being unfair to your family as they have treated you with respect even if you were a child you probably asked the silliest question, they would put up with you if you disagreed to their point of you. When you disagree with them, with their beliefs then like them you learn to accept that too and stay in harmony. You need to be patient as far as they aren’t forcing your systems on you and you have the liberty to choose your way, at the same time if they are only practicing something that they feel secured then you can probably let them be comfortable with their conventional ways and you’ll can have separate ways of dealing situations but you’ll need not ridicule each other’s views. Be emphatic and non-condescending, help them to think in a different light but you don’t have to change everyone.