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Agony Aunt helps you to deal with relationship problems

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The bitter truth

I am getting married in 4 months. I met my would-be husband through a matrimonial site a year ago and have spent enough time to know him well enough to get married. I recently discovered that he lied to me about a previous relationship that he was into and its intensity. He had simply mentioned that he was in a relationship for a brief time and nothing serious ever transpired. But last week I found out that he had thoughts of marrying her and this hurt me a lot. I confronted him and he has apologised, but I am having second thoughts despite me liking him a lot.

Ans: Often people tend to put their best foot forward when they introduce themselves to people with whom they envision a potential future. One of the keys to a healthy relationship is transparency and since you have had a hurdle in this area, I understand the predicament you are into. The hurt feeling will heal with time; however, that alone can’t be used for you to base your decision of whether to trust him or not from here on. In case you still have unanswered questions, communicate the same to him and get things resolved before entering into anything permanent.


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Woes of future

I am a 14-year-old girl studying in a boarding school and am writing to you so that I can get some help regarding my future in the field of my choice. I have been a good singer and have been appreciated a lot over the years. My training is also happening regularly. Despite all of this I fear that I might not be good as I am when I step out of school. I was representing my school last week at a national level singing event and I for the first time in my life faced this feeling. I was made to feel a big fish in small pond all throughout and though it’s a good feeling, I am yet not convinced that tomorrow similar environment will not exist. That event has kind of affected me immensely it seems. How do I stop worrying?

Ans: The innate talent that exists needs a conducive environment to develop which you have been receiving on regular basis. The external environment might be different than the cocooned environment you have been used to so far. However, what remains the same is the self-belief in your talent and being true to the efforts you put in to maintain it. The transition would be overwhelming but as long as there is consistency in your efforts, change would be a smooth transition. The event you mentioned was probably a glimpse into the world you might be a part of and many such events in future could serve as a learning avenue for you, provided you allow it to be.

Victim of back bitching

Hi, I’m a girl studying in grade 8th. I just switched schools last year and have managed to make three good friends in the new school. They were all very sweet to me initially. However, off late, I’ve been noticing that they tend to speak negatively about me and also about each other. Basically, there a lot of back-biting that has been happening. Last month, when I was unwell, I had to miss school for almost a month due to jaundice. During that time, I heard many stories about myself that were untrue and I was being portrayed very badly by my own friends. Now I feel like none of them are trustworthy. I have been hurt by them a lot and now feel lonely and depressed. What do I do?

Ans: The hurt and betrayal you have experienced has clearly taken a toll onto your ability to trust anyone at the moment. In order to establish new relationships, caution is needed. However, the previous experiences do not always serve as a valid basis for making these decisions as the emotional riot often creates a bias. The more you settle yourself into feeling lonely because the three friends you had have drifted apart, the more distance you might create between potential friendships that you can establish in your class starting from today. Hence, begin with gradually talking to other people in your class and you will realise in the process who invests time in forging a friendship with you despite hearing things about you.

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Relationship affliction

I am a 26-year-old guy who is well-settled work wise but my personal life is a big question yet. I have dated in past and have been in two serious relationships as well. They ended very badly as I hurt them towards the end of the relationship and that guilt has also stayed with me. I can’t seem to find a strong holding in the relationship and eventually, it fizzles out. I can’t go through this trial and error every time I get attracted to a girl. I have realised I can’t go through this cycle anymore but complete settlement scares me off as well. What should I do here?

Ans: The question to be asked to self is “what is it that appeals more to you: complete settlement in personal life or being in and out of relationships”. Since you have realised that there is difficulty holding unto a relationship, this realisation does require some investigation. Once you understand that what exactly about relationship terrifies you, you would be in a better space to take a call as to whether you wish to enter into one and continue being in it without having back and forth thoughts. Thinking in extremes also at times creates heightened anxieties. Thus, bring the thought process to a more neutral ground which helps you make a sound decision.